I love my little girl. BUT, it amazes me how someone so little, so needy, so dependent can make a fairly competent, self-confident grown up feel like an absolute failure. When that little baby is howling at the top of her tiny lungs and nothing you try helps, how do you not take it personally? On Sunday, watching my little girl howl and thrash was so hard.
I knew as a parent I would make many mistakes, who doesn’t? What I didn’t know is that even when you’re not making mistakes, even when you’re doing the best you can, you can still feel like an absolute failure.
But then, just like after a thunderstorm, the clouds clear, the sun comes out, the crying stops, and you see a beautiful little smile and a part of you wonders about the little Jekyl/Hyde stunt that your baby just pulled, but mostly, you’re just relieved it’s over. Caitlyn doesn’t even seem to remember that two minutes ago nothing was right in her world, because now, everything is. She’s fine, I just need to pick myself up and realize she doesn’t hate me, I’m not failing her, and drink in her smiles and giggles til the next “crisis”.
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